According to ear, nose and throat doctors, one of the most significant complaints for many people over 50 is difficulty breathing through the nose. This can result from a common condition called nasal airway obstruction (NAO), which impacts more than 20 million Americans.
The most common symptoms of NAO include trouble sleeping, difficulty breathing through your nose during exertion or exercising, nasal congestion and frequent mouth breathing.The structure and ability of the nose to do its job changes over time.
NAO often hinders a person's sense of smell, ease of breathing and sleep. Still, it can also affect health and lead to more serious issues including medical episodes such as anxiety and panic attacks, loss of consciousness and cardiac issues.
Nasal Issues Increase with Age
The structure and ability of the nose to do its job changes over time. The soft tissue in the nose becomes more inflamed as people age. "It's not just our skin and joints that show the passage of time; the nose also undergoes changes which can impact its function, such as the nasal tip starting to droop due to a loss of structure and the skin in the nose becoming thinner due to a reduction in collagen and elastin," said Roheen Raithatha, MD, an otolaryngologist in New York City. 
"As our nose ages, the cartilage can gradually become weaker, and the lateral (side) wall of the nose may collapse more — either at rest or especially when one takes a deep breath into the nose. It really can impact someone's ability to breathe comfortably through their nose."
Common Symptoms
People often think of seeing an eye doctor to maintain healthy eyes or a dentist for their teeth, but they might need to see a specialist to check their nose and throat. Older people may be hesitant to see their doctor for NAO as they assume that the only options available for them are invasive procedures, especially if they have not gotten relief from the standard treatments such as nasal steroid sprays and allergy medicines like antihistamines, according to Raithatha.
"People should breathe primarily through the nose most of the day, including while exercising and while sleeping at night." 
The most common symptoms of NAO include trouble sleeping, difficulty breathing through your nose during exertion or exercising, nasal congestion and frequent mouth breathing. The ability to smell can also be affected. Additionally, being able to breathe slowly through an unblocked nose can help to ease anxiety. 
The nose filters debris from the air and humidifies and moisturizes the atmosphere as a person breathes in. "People should breathe primarily through the nose most of the day, including while exercising and while sleeping at night," said Raithatha.
"Breathing primarily through the mouth can contribute to ailments that may be harmful to older adults, such as decreased lung function, blood pressure and poor sleep quality, which impacts energy. Mouth breathing can also lead to dry mouth, bad breath, periodontal disease like gingivitis and cavities and snoring," he explained.
"Allergies can be a big factor as they can lead to swelling within the nasal passages and cause nasal congestion. Other factors that may contribute to NAO include a collapsed nasal valve, deviated nasal septum, swelling of the inferior turbinates (the long thin bones of the nose covered with a layer of tissue), and nasal polyps, among other issues," Raithatha said.
No Surgery Options
Daily saline rinses can clear out triggers of inflammation and mucus from the nose. Other first-line therapies include nasal steroid sprays, decongestants, antihistamines (oral and/or nasal), Breathe-Right Strips or nasal cones. Allergy testing can assess allergic causes of NAO. A complete exam by an ear, nose and throat (ENT) doctor, including a nasal endoscopy (a small camera to look in the nose), is helpful to determine the area/causes of the nasal airway blockage.
"Allergies can be a big factor as they can lead to swelling within the nasal passages and cause nasal congestion."
"When medications or sprays aren't effective or a patient is looking for something that offers lasting relief, we start to look at minimally and non-invasive therapies, which are preferred for older adults who have preexisting conditions and may not be good surgical candidates," noted Raithatha. 
In-office options for treating NAO include an isolated inferior turbinate reduction using radio frequency ablation or a microdebrider and a procedure to place a bioabsorbable nasal implant (called Latera) into the sidewall of the nose to support the upper and lower cartilages. "These two procedures, however, each just work on one component of NAO," he said.
Another office-based treatment, VivAer, uses radiofrequency technology to help remodel the side wall of the nose to help open the nasal valve and can also be used to reduce a swollen area on the surface of the nasal septum (nasal septal swell body) and reduce the inferior turbinates. 
For suitable candidates, the treatment — covered by Medicare and some insurance plans — is done under local and topical anesthesia with minimal recovery. Reduction of nasal obstruction symptoms lasts through two years, according to one study.  
A Successful Treatment 
Diana Packard, age 65, didn't know the cause of her loud nightly snoring or why she could not breathe fully, exercise like she wanted to or get a restful night's sleep. After a sleep study, she ended up with a CPAP machine. 
"When I go for a walk, I can get more air through my nose than I can through my mouth."
"However, due to my narrow nasal airways, I just couldn't breathe properly with my CPAP. I couldn't get enough air through my nose. I saw a sleep specialist, but the doctor had no recommendations for me," she said.
Frustrated, she found her way to an ENT, who did an exam and told her that she had NAO. After trying breathing strips to no avail, she received the VivAer procedure, which enabled her to take full and deep breaths through the nose, and her sense of smell returned. 
"I'm sleeping through the night just about every night now and my physical activity has improved, too. When I go for a walk, I can get more air through my nose than I can through my mouth. I love walking my dogs and being outside, and it's easier to recover when I need to catch my breath," Packard said.
While NAO is a common condition, it's often underdiagnosed and left untreated. "People should talk to an ENT about their symptoms, have a complete examination and ask about non-surgical treatment options," said Raithatha. 


Now Smell This…or Not

Lisa B. Samalonis

Whether you're an artist, crafter or woodworker, the opportunities to profit from your artistic talents online have never been better. In recent years, consumers have grown increasingly comfortable with buying art online. According to the IBIS World's Online Art Sales in the US Industry Report, the market size of online art sales grew an average of 17.2% per year between 2018 and 2023.
If you're an experienced artist with tips, techniques and skills to demonstrate, consider sharing your expertise by teaching your own online art course.If you'd like to capitalize on this trend to generate income from your artistic talent, designs and know-how online, here are four options to consider:
1. Sell Through One (or More) Online Galleries
Traditionally, artists have relied on physical galleries and auction houses to sell their fine art. But increasingly, artists are leveraging online galleries (both their own and third parties) to expand their sales and client base.
"Be prepared to market yourself through social media."
As an example, Marilyn Froggatt, a painter based in Palm Desert, California, age 60+, started selling her paintings online eight years ago. Initially, she created a website through Fine Art Studios Online (FASO). Over time, she added three more sites to the mix: Fine Art America, Saatchi Art and UGallery.
Partnering with multiple sites allows her to reach a much wider audience, but it also means extra work.
"You can't add on too many online sites as you won't be able to maintain them all," she warns. "You must constantly update with fresh work and delete paintings that have been sold. And be prepared to market yourself through social media. No one will buy from your website unless you drive them there with social media."
Froggatt recommends artists look for sites that are a strong fit with their style and ability level. "You must be honest with yourself about your choice of medium, subject matter and your professional level against the other artists showing on the site," she says. And be aware that some sites work on a juried basis, meaning your work might not be accepted by every site.
2. Explore Print-on-Demand Products
Sites like RedBubble, Zazzle and Society6 make it simple to upload your designs to products like T-shirts, phone covers, coffee cups and greeting cards. After you provide the artwork, they handle production, warehousing, payment processing and shipping.
Print-on-demand sites provide an easy way to test out and sell a wide range of products, without the headaches of producing, stocking and shipping your own inventory.
Each time one of your designs sells, you'll get paid a portion of the sale, typically around 10% to 15% of the retail price. Terms and conditions vary by site, so be sure to read the fine print before uploading your designs.
3. Set Up Shop on Etsy
If you're more of a crafty type, consider joining the more than seven million vendors who sell their handmade goods, vintage items or crafting supplies on Etsy.
It's free to set-up shop on Etsy, but you will pay fees for listings, transactions and payment processing once you have sales.
Margreta Silverstone, who is aged 60 and based outside Washington D.C., joined Etsy in 2015. Her site, Margreta MadeIt, features handmade functional items, like double-pocket oven mitts, with a spotlight on Celtic designs and dragonflies. "Having a focus is good for online (and other venues)," she notes.
Barb Perelman, a former teacher and retired engineer in Williamsburg, Virginia, sells personalized blankets and other knit products through her Blazing Needles Etsy site. "Most of my customers are return customers," she says.
"You have to have something special to get seen."
She likes that Etsy handles the bulk of her bookkeeping chores, which give her more time to do what she enjoys most — design and communicate with customers. And she appreciates the relative ease of selling online.
"I used to do shows, but setting up for a show got a bit much as I got older — carting tents and tables around," she admits. Perelman advises new sellers to carefully research their market before setting up shop.
"Etsy is loaded with jewelry and soaps," she says. "You have to have something special to get seen. I have been on Etsy for over 15 years — since I retired. Nothing happens fast, but Etsy has a lot of free information to help you get started and succeed. Read it."
4. Develop an Online Course
Finally, if you're an experienced artist with tips, techniques and skills to demonstrate, consider sharing your expertise by creating and teaching your own online art course.
As an example, I recently purchased a course about abstract landscape painting from a site I found while scrolling through Instagram. Curricula on the site, Laurie Anne Art, range in price from $47 for individual courses to $997 for a pass that gives you access to multiple classes.
Fortunately, there are a growing number of platforms, like Teachable or Thinkific, that allow you do this with minimal technical know-how and hassle. Once you upload your content, the teaching platform is responsible for the hosting, delivery and payment processing of the course.
The beauty of teaching this way is that once your course is online, it can be purchased by a global audience for as long as your account remains active. Both Teachable and Thinkific offer a free starter plan and several hosting options, ongoing fees vary based on the plan you select.


4 Ways to Make Money as an Online Artist

Nancy Collamer

I just returned from a short trip to celebrate birthdays with my sister and my two daughters. While we are two sets of sisters, one in their mid-70s and the other in their late 40s, generationally, we are different in our relationships with each other and our views on life.  
Myrna Marofsky with her sister and two daughters.Our trip was a rare opportunity to appreciate those differences. One morning, as all four of us cuddled in a king-size bed together, our conversation revealed the unique places we were in our lives.  
My daughters are happily married and have successful careers. One has a household of three wonderful sons, and the other without children by choice. They have goals and plans for building their future, and aside from a few problems, they take each day as it comes. As sisters, they have a solid and caring relationship while living very separate lives. The one thing they are sure of is that they can count on each other, even if time together is limited. 
With Each Loss, We Grow Closer
My sister and I are alone after losing our long-time partners. What was a challenging relationship between us has become a cherished one. At our age, we count each day as a gift — a gift enriched by our daily 4 pm check-in calls to share a story, confide an overwhelming feeling, or wrestle with one of our many daily hassles. Lately, we've granted each other permission to just "spew." That means listen and don't try to fix it.  
If anyone had told me that the sister I once pushed off a bench when she was 7, knocking her out cold, would become the person I turn to daily, I wouldn't have believed it. I was the big sister, schlepping her with me everywhere. She was even the mascot of my Girl Scout troupe, led by my mother. I was a poster child for what the New York Times recently labeled the "eldest daughter syndrome" which carries "intense feelings of familial responsibility, people-pleasing tendencies, and resentment toward your siblings and parents." Resentment is the keyword in this description. I didn't like her. She idolized me. 
We understand each other like no one else can.  
But as we developed our womanhood, we also developed our sisterhood. Our mutual respect and compassion for each other evolved, as did our family ties.  
With each loss — parents, husbands, friends — we have grown even closer.   
As sisters in our 70s, we have become comfortable with our differences, even appreciating them. That's because we have the threads of a shared history and fond memories connecting us. As we age, we recognize and value each other's wisdom. We face our grief over lost husbands with empathy. We accommodate our physical limitations with patience and understanding. We recommend beauty products to cover age lines and always comment on whether our latest hairstyle makes us look younger. We understand each other like no one else can.  
The Benefits of Sisterhood
I'm noticing that as my daughters mature, their bond becomes stronger. Instinctively, they use the shorthand communication that sisters have. They are moving from judgment to understanding and are beginning to place each other a bit higher in their priorities. And they still giggle together. Hopefully, this will result in an enduring relationship of unconditional love. 
The generational differences between sisters really shows up when there is conflict. My sister and I learned to stuff our feelings and dance around sensitive issues. If we reacted quickly with a critique, it never went well. Today, we are still cautious, but do speak our truth. However, I'm not known to be a diplomat.  
On the other hand, when my daughters, as they say, "didn't like how something landed," therapy and business training have taught them to "provide feedback" or "clarify expectations." Their language is more formal, less confrontational, and rarely spontaneous. 
Having someone in your life who takes the time to understand you in deep and meaningful ways and then allows you to reciprocate is someone to hold dear.
The benefits of sisterhood in the 70s doesn't require a biological relationship. An emotionally connected friend can be a trusted source of companionship and support akin to a sister. There may not be a shared history, but experiences can be collected. Having someone in your life who takes the time to understand you in deep and meaningful ways and then allows you to reciprocate is someone to hold dear.  
I like my sister now. It's a good thing because she is moving across the country to be near family and eighteen minutes from me. Knowing we will be readily available to each other, we needed to have an honest dialogue as a precaution.  
Each of us has worked hard to have our own identity, and as anyone our age knows, we have become creatures of habit with likes and even stronger dislikes. Neither of us is willing to give up who and what we have become. But when you are sisters in your seventies, time together is precious.  
I look forward to hanging out, walking around the lakes, and laughing spontaneously. I can't wait for the two sets of sisters to crawl into a bed together and talk.  
And I will always feel bad for pushing her off that bench.  


Sisters in Their 70s

Myrna Marofsky

In the packed hall, an audience of flickering bluish faces stare raptly as Janet Leigh's sister looks up, then down the creaky staircase. Having seen snippets of "Psycho," I had found the movie's shower scene only moderately unnerving. But now, as my fellow students cheer and stomp, the sister enters the cellar, turns the chair — and I scream. Just like Janet Leigh.
Grace Kelly and Anthony Dawson in 'Dial M for Murder,' 1954It startles and annoys the more worldly college kids around me, but Alfred Hitchcock would have been proud.
Hollywood's Golden Age is defined as ending in the early 1960s — so as a young boomer, I missed it entirely. Grown up among dairy farms and apple orchards, where our heavy Zenith TV brought in 2½ channels, there was no chance to catch up on much except the annual showing of "The Wizard of Oz."
For a rural kid who, by age 18, had seen just six movies in a theater, this was a revelation akin to being whirled out of the monochrome flatness of Depression Kansas.
But years before the arrival of cable and streaming services like Turner Classic Movies and the Criterion Channel, immersion in 1940s and '50s movies came from an unexpected source. My university had no film course that I'm aware of, but it did offer so many film series in massive lecture halls, library meeting rooms and the student union, that an observant moviegoer could practically minor in cinema.
A Whole World Opens
I saw roughly 200 films over four years. This astonishes friends now when I mention it, but really, it works out to seeing just three movies every two weeks, hardly a startling number. If a roommate, friend or date wanted to go, great. If not, I'd go alone — just me and some 30 to 500 other students, soaking up thrillers and comedies, dramas and vivid musical extravaganzas.
For a rural kid who, by age 18, had seen just six movies in a theater, this was a revelation akin to being whirled out of the monochrome flatness of Depression Kansas.
Through film, I could travel to Ireland, Japan, Morocco. Marie Curie's lab, ancient Rome and Paris during the French Revolution. Never mind that documentaries were not exactly a thing yet and Cecil B. DeMille's epics were often filmed in California . . . that was the magic of cinema, n'est-ce pas?
Sharing a Love of the Cinema
It was also a bit of a family affair. On college drop-off night, the movie shown outdoors for hundreds of families was 1933's "Duck Soup." (Groucho Marx: "Why, a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child.") Nothing like a roar of laughter to kick off freshman year.
My grandfather used to say Claudette Colbert was his favorite star and watching "It Happened One Night" (1934) made me see what he meant. She and Clark Gable peeking around her improvised room-dividing curtain cracked me up, as did her showing some leg on the roadside to stop a passing driver. (Three years later, in "Way Out West," Stan Laurel of Laurel & Hardy stopped a stagecoach by doing the same thing.)
It was interesting coming to my own conclusions on some films. In my father's eyes, James Bond was a tough guy, a world saver, a ladies' man. Seeing early Connery and Roger Moore for myself, I decided he was a human cartoon character. Space hijackings, hopscotch on crocodiles . . . James, really?
A Lifelong Love Begins
Part of my college education involved expanding my vocabulary, and the films I watched contributed to that. From movies, for instance, I learned the meaning of "gams" (legs), "gumshoe" (private detective), "stool pigeon" (informer), "a dame" (woman), "kisser" (mouth) and "going on the lam" (fleeing the police or some other threat).
Film noir. My early-1980s campus was awash with these 1940s and early '50s stylized mystery and crime dramas, the atmospheric ones with underworld characters scheming behind Venetian blinds, on dark, wet pavement and in shadows — everywhere shadows.
I was astonished to see Fred MacMurray, the affable father of TV's "My Three Sons," as an amoral murderer.
In "Double Indemnity" (1944), I was astonished to see Fred MacMurray, the affable father of TV's "My Three Sons," as an amoral murderer. (No spoiler here. Per the Hays Code, it's all in the first scene.) In "Laura" (1944), Dana Andrews fell for Gene Tierney's portrait, and I fell for Dana Andrews. In a classic plotline, Ray Milland was an innocent family man in "The Big Clock" (1948) forced to search for a killer while being framed for that very crime.
My spouse and I recently caught two of Hitchcock's best, "Dial M for Murder" and "Shadow of a Doubt." "Noir represents a fascinating meeting point of American and European styles and sensibilities," writes Kat Bello in The Collector blog. "The constant twists, betrayals, red herrings and double and triple crosses aim to constantly disorient the viewer. Film noir is never as concerned with the reveal of the mystery as it is with the psychological dimensions of crime."
I was able to draw the connection between this 1940s genre I instantly adored and 1974's cynical, corruption-ridden "Chinatown" (which took place in 1937). It may have arrived three decades later, in color and with a tremendous amount of sunlight, but "forget it, Jake" — it's still film noir.
Requisite Academic Connections
Several movies actually did complement my college studies. Those wacky 1950s monster and alien flicks ("The Blob!" "Invasion of the Body Snatchers!") and "Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb" (1964) provided insight into the neurotic early days of the Cold War. "The Third Man," filmed on location in Vienna in 1948, offered viewers a you-are-there look at Austria immediately after World War II.
Reading "For Whom the Bell Tolls," Ernest Hemingway's antifascist Spanish Civil War epic, and then watching the movie version filmed in 1943 amid WWII made for a gripping two-fer. (Did Ingrid Bergman, who starred in "Casablanca" as well as "For Whom the Bell Tolls," make a habit of playing stoic wartime heroines?)
Learning about the intricacies of the civil rights movement in the 1950s and '60s was eye-opening; encountering the blackface and cringeworthy racial references in such otherwise delightful films as "A Day at the Races" (1937) and "Holiday Inn" (1942) was eyebrow-raising.
Ever use "gaslight" to mean the psychological manipulation of someone to get them to doubt their own sanity? See the 1944 film that gave birth to the term.
When sociology courses examined the collapse of female employment and the push to diminish women's prominence after World War II, I saw this echoed in the difference between "Baby Face" (1933), in which a young Barbara Stanwyck cheerfully slept her way to the top in business, and "Marjorie Morningstar" (1958), in which our heroine Natalie Wood had romantic misadventures only to (apparently) settle down as a housewife.
Of course, the Hays Code also had something to do with that. But societal changes don't occur in a vacuum.
Why 'Old Movies'?
Not only were some of our best films made in the 1930s through the 1960s, but the best of recent films are influenced by those before them.
"Mank" (2022), which won two Academy Awards and was nominated for eight others (it won two), tells the story of Herman J. Mankiewicz, the screenwriter who collaborated with Orson Welles on the script for "Citizen Kane" (1941); together, those movies make a perfect double feature. "La La Land" (2016) doesn't hide its connections to 1950s and '60s films of all kinds.
You'll get more out of "The Aviator" (2004) if you've seen Katherine Hepburn, Ava Gardner and Errol Flynn rule the screen themselves. "Star Wars" (1977) was said to be a Western set in space, a "yee-hah" rehash of the serials and adventure pics of George Lucas's boyhood. And so on.
Ever use "gaslight" to mean the psychological manipulation of someone to get them to doubt their own sanity? See the 1944 film that gave birth to the term.
Betty Bacall's Pursed Lips
Without knowing old movies, you won't understand some of the greatest lines, either. "Well, nobody's perfect." "Rosebud." "Goodness had nothing to do with it." "Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth." "You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?" Eighty years after Lauren Bacall purred that to her future husband Humphrey Bogart in "To Have and Have Not," viewer reaction is still "Whew!"
Whether your exposure to the Golden Age is through a home screen or years of theatergoing, the experience is both enjoyable and enlightening. "To me, the perfection of classic movies is the pure art of the story," says Bennett Garner Green in The Odyssey. The plot and characters keep you gasping, guessing, laughing or swooning . . . no special effects needed.


When the Pictures Were Big

Ellen Ryan

Writer Barbra Cosentino making assemblage artMy friend Evelyn and I have been walking for twenty minutes, and here is what I've picked up along the way: one curly pink and purple ribbon, a small piece of cracked ceramic tile, an oddly shaped piece of wood and one wine cork. Oh, and a small envelope with lovely cursive writing adorning the front. Evelyn's findings are less exciting: an oversized paper clip, two buttons and three twigs, one with lichen clinging to it. 
This art form is a terrific way to use those rusty tools, keys to nowhere and flotsam and jetsam proliferating in our junk drawers.
Evelyn and I are not hoarders. We are assemblage artists -— well, we hope to be — and we are collecting interesting found items in preparation for an upcoming class we've signed up for in a local community center. 
For those folks who are downsizing or decluttering, this art form is a terrific way to use those rusty tools, keys to nowhere and flotsam and jetsam proliferating in our junk drawers. The problem, though, is that you now have not only a great reason to bring home new goodies, but, if you really don't want to get rid of anything, not even that half-torn three-pronged rubber plug, you've got the perfect excuse: "I'm saving it for an art piece I'm making."  
Junk Art, Found Art or Even Trash Art
Well-known 97-year-old African American assemblage artist Betye Saar says, "I've always considered myself a hunter and gatherer. I'm like a recycler, recycling the energy of the objects or interpreting what they are saying to each other to make my own statement." 
Like many of us, Saar inherited a beloved relative's collection of accumulated objects, which included gloves, fans, lace and brooches. Instead of stuffing them into a cardboard box to be stored in the garage, never to be seen again, Saar integrated them into what she called "The Nostalgia Series," artwork which highlighted personal family history and memories. 
Many artists had started incorporating discarded or disassembled objects into their work in the early 1900s. 
Assemblage, a three-dimensional art form which is a close cousin to both collage and sculpture, puts together incongruent, non-art materials in a variety of ways, using string, wire or glue to hold the elements together. There are varying assertions as to who first popularized this genre of art, with artists such as Marcel DuChamp and Pablo Picasso frequently being credited for its' development. Although Joseph Cornell is considered to be "the pioneer of assemblage art," many artists had started incorporating discarded or disassembled objects into their work in the early 1900s. 
This was well before French artist Jean Dubuffet coined the term "assemblage art" in the 1950s. Interestingly, "curiosity cabinets," also known as "accumulations and combines," were a trend among the crème de la crème way back in the 1500s. Much more recently, assemblage art began to be referred to as "junk art", "found art" and even "trash art."  
Creating Your Creation
Julia Norton, a New York City- based visual artist and educator, says "In my art practice I always start with the materials. Since I use predominantly things from nature, they all have distinct meanings and their own life forces, which often dictates how they are incorporated into my work. Sometimes I have an idea in my head as to the formation of shapes, but usually the meaning evolves concurrent with the act of making." 
Trinkets and objects accumulated for an assemblage art projectNorton enjoys working with earth pigments, also known as ochre, and different kinds of paper that integrate natural materials into the pulp. She loves foraging and collecting colorants, such as dyes for fabric and ink making. "I find objects all the time, and sometimes they find me," she says. 
Sara Krieger, a New York City assemblage artist and voice-over and vocal talent, says "I've always been a collector of things, the weirder, the better!" With more than a modicum of pride, she adds, "I have a collection of bleached chicken bones, dice, game pieces, vintage toys, doll heads, bottle caps, anything somewhat quirky and strange in nature. My eyes just naturally gravitate towards the unusual and the eclectic." Her eclectic creations often blend a contrasting combination of something sweet with something bold, disparate or semi-disturbing. 
Every assemblage artist will tell you that the hunt is part of the fun. This includes scavenging not only beaches and back yards but also dried up creeks, rock overhangs and forests, where Native American arrowheads or other ancient artifacts may be found.  Of course, flea markets, second-hand and antique stores and garage sales are great fun to explore.  
Every assemblage artist will tell you that the hunt is part of the fun.
Looking at, touching, cutting, bending and otherwise manipulating found objects that you're saving in your home or studio (if you're lucky enough to have one) until you've discovered the perfect use for them is another great pleasure.  
Storing or categorizing items in some kind of order so you know what you have (or can find what you want to use in your ever-growing stash) is a challenge for every artist. (Saar called her method "organized chaos.") Some artists separate things by color, others by size, and others by theme, such as a collection of tiny plastic animals or miniature furniture. 
You have to decide what you'll use to house the ephemera, defined as things, usually paper, enjoyed or useful for only a short time. Examples are ticket stubs, postcards and letters. The three-dimensional aspect of assemblage means you'll use things other than or along with paper. 
What to Make
Some assemblage artists use paint, alcohol inks or other colorants to alter the substrate (the foundation of the piece on which objects are placed), while others like the natural grain of wood or the ridges in corrugated cardboard. Some alter the appearance of the objects themselves using techniques such as gilding, patination and rusting. Noted assemblage artist Louise Nevelson spray-painted her assemblages a single color to make them monochromatic, frequently using black or gold paint. 
Other possibilities for bases are wooden or cigar boxes, printer's boxes, cell phone boxes, shadowboxes or metal. Cigar boxes, miniature candy tins and heart-shaped candy boxes are other possibilities. 
With these, you can make: 
Vintage-inspired shadow boxes using objects such as old keys, pocket watches, and small old photographs. Tiny figures or props can be added to the box to tell a story. Beautiful nature-inspired wooden or ceramic treasure boxes adorned with pressed flowers, acorns, and small sea shells. An antiquated lock or clasp can be used to complete the look. Whimsical found object sculptures can be created by sanding, painting or staining different sized pieces of wood or scrap lumber or cardboard, stacking them, fastening them together in a vertical tower and adding objects such as toy parts, small metal pieces, wooden blocks, or broken jewelry. If you're just starting out and don't want to spend a lot of money, glue sticks, white glue or school paste are good for adhering lightweight items. To fasten things together or attach heavier objects, hardware such as screws, bolts and wire, a hot glue gun as well as different types of glue (PVA, gel medium, Gorilla Glue, E-6000 or two part-epoxy adhesives) can be used. Norton likes YES paste, a white, water-based, permanently flexible adhesive which doesn't curl paper and is acid-free. 
There are many wonderful websites that discuss the history of assemblage as well as giving ideas for materials and techniques. I like The Art Story and, great for beginners, Beechhouse Media. 
You don't need talent or training to become an assemblage artist. You just need open eyes, open hands and a heart that welcomes the beautiful, the whimsical and the strange. The possibilities are endless! 


The Art of Assemblage

Barbra Williams Cosentino

Do you ever wonder how people will remember you after you have departed? Hopefully, my children (and grandchildren — hint, hint) will have fond memories of shared experiences, laughter and a tin full of recipes for favorite meals. Since I'm neither millionaire nor heir, creating generational wealth or a scholarship never crossed my mind. Not until recently.
Juliana Rosales, a freshman at the University of Central Florida in Orlando will use her "fun scholarship" to visit a theme park for the first time.While pondering my purpose, passions, values and the lives I have touched in a meaningful way, I read a feel-good story about a family in Naples, Florida, that advocates the essence of legacy. They inspired me to do something similar.
I discovered grants that run the gamut from traditional monetary awards for high-achieving students (with or without financial need) to specific groups, including teenagers and adults from marginalized communities, artists, even gardeners. Recipients can use the grants to pay for tuition, books, housing, travel or take a respite from the stress of school, as examples.
Setting up an endowment isn't as complicated as one might think. It doesn't require millions or even hundreds of thousands of dollars. Below are stories of two families keeping a loved one's memory alive by giving to others.
Isabella Eghrari Memorial Scholarship
For more than 10 years, the Eghrari family has gathered at Thanksgiving to read college freshman essays with the intent of providing a little fun.
"Mom was always bothered she didn't have a diploma. So, even though it wasn't common, she went back to college when I was in high school."
Jacqueline Eghrari, 60, daughter to Isabella, explained that while her parents came from different areas of the world — dad from Tehran, Iran, and mom from St. Louis, Missouri — they shared values, especially the importance of education. Her dad and his siblings all finished high school (very unusual in the 1930s), and her father attended medical school in France. Her mom, however, did not have a college degree when she and Dr. Massoud Eghrari married.
"Mom was always bothered she didn't have a diploma," Jacqueline recalled. "So, even though it wasn't common, she went back to college when I was in high school."
Isabella majored in English and received her MBA when Jacqueline was in high school. She and her two siblings each went beyond a four-year university: she became a physician and her sister and brother both became attorneys.
The Scholarship of the Ring
When Isabella turned 65, she splurged on what Jacqueline described as "one big honking diamond ring." Her mother told the family, "I'm going to enjoy this ring, but something good should come of its beauty. When I die, I want you to sell it and turn it into 'The Scholarship of the Ring.' "
"It was the perfect landing place for Mom's wish."
Isabella passed away in 2008, aged 74. "We were all devastated," Jacqueline reflected. Not long after his wife's death, Dr. Eghrari relocated from Long Island, New York, to Naples, Florida, where he became acquainted with The Immokalee Foundation, named for the small agricultural community it serves. The foundation administers the Isabella Eghrari Memorial Scholarship.
"It was the perfect landing place for Mom's wish," Jacqueline said. Immokalee encourages career readiness and professional development for immigrants and young, non-English speaking students from kindergarten through college.
Eghrari's mother had always wanted to help college students feel like they fit on campus. "Mom worried whether kids had money to attend a football game, buy spirit wear or buy ice cream," Jacqueline said.
One Purpose: Having Fun
So, when Eghrari's father sold the ring in 2011, the Isabella Eghrari Memorial Scholarship was born. After completing their first semester of college, students can apply for a $500.00 award with only one submission requirement: write how the money will be used toward fun. Each year, there are approximately 10 winners, all financed through the investment of the ring.
Dr. Eghrari, now 93, his three children and several grandchildren vote on the most compelling story. Jacqueline said her father "ensures the next generation understands philanthropy, both to honor their grandmother and fuel the importance of contributing to the betterment of society."
The time of year for application and awarding was deliberate, so when students are home in December for winter break, they can celebrate at an honorary luncheon. "My dad remarried a wonderful woman, Tayebeh, and together they hand out the certificates," Eghrari said.
"We are all reading through my mother's eyes as her stewards, picking the people she would have wanted."
Juliana Rosales, 18, was one of the 2023 "Fun Scholarship" recipients. A freshman at the University of Central Florida in Orlando and a lifetime resident of Florida, Rosales wrote an essay that described how she didn't have money or time to visit theme parks. She would use anything leftover for a mental debrief from a stressful semester.
"I was honestly so surprised when I received my congratulations email," Rosales told me, beaming via Zoom. She said she spent her $500 to go to Disney's Hollywood Studios theme park in Bay Lake, Florida. "I felt like I landed on another planet when I was in the Toy Story exhibit," she said.
Rosales bought clothes with the remaining money. "Shopping was fun because I needed to update my wardrobe," she said. "Being in college, I wanted to walk around like it's a fashion show!"
Eghrari said the personal impact of giving was unexpected. "We are all reading through my mother's eyes as her stewards, picking the people she would have wanted," she added. "This money makes a difference, and it's such a wonderful tradition to honor my mom and keep what she wanted afloat and implemented."
Keep Your Chin Up Scholarship
Peggy Baze, 58, remembers waking up one morning in her Phoenix home and hearing her late father say, "Keep your chin up, kid." It was about a year since he passed from mesothelioma in 2018. George Keown, or GK, frequently used that expression with all four of his kids until he died at 71.
"I knew I had to turn my pain into purpose."
"My grief had been debilitating," Baze said, "and then, out of nowhere, I knew I had to turn my pain into purpose." Within hours, she designed the framework that would honor her father's memory.
Baze said her dad was a pillar of strength and "taught us about knocking down obstacles and the importance of a positive attitude." It was this mindset that moved Baze to create an award for adults. "I chose older people because they are a forgotten demographic and matched the sentiment of my dad," she said.
The Keep Your Chin Up Scholarship is considered a nontraditional award. Run twice per year, it is for two undergraduate students 25 years of age and older who are Arizona residents. Funding for tuition and books ranges from $500 to $5,000.
The GK Legacy Foundation has become a family affair, with siblings serving on the board and Baze's daughter as the scholarship director. Initially sponsored through family contributions, the organization has grown to include donations from friends and organizations.
Baze said the applicants' stories she and her family read are heartwarming if not tragic in some instances — candidates have included those who had been incarcerated, unhoused or experienced unthinkable tragedy in their families. Patricia Williams, a four-time recipient, is one of those individuals.
Williams, 37, is in her senior year of college and is scheduled to graduate this year. She was initially set to complete her bachelor's degree from the Arizona College of Nursing last year when one of her five children died.
Patricia Williams, 37, is a senior at the Arizona College of Nursing and a four-time recipient of a scholarship."It was March 2022, and my son was murdered," Williams said. "So, I needed a hiatus. Now, I've gone back and am finishing this year. I want to do something that helps my kids and one day, grandkids, and leave a legacy for them. I need to set a high standard for them."
While maintaining a 3.6 GPA and making the Dean's List, Williams works as a patient care tech at one of Arizona's larger hospitals. "My youngest believes I'm a doctor because she sees I'm in the medical field," she said. "I tell her she can be whatever she wants to be."
Before returning to school, Williams applied for the scholarship once again. "I kept my essay raw and real," she said through tears of gratitude. "My story resonated, and they allowed me to win. I tell them they are my family now, too, because they've been helping me through such a hard time."
Baze is proud of how the scholarship has changed the lives of recipients. "What started as a single-person journey is about to close its 10th round," she said. "I could never have imagined a more impactful legacy."
Beginning the Process
Eghrari and Baze shared two suggestions for designing a fund in your name or someone else's memory: First, "just do it" — emphasizing that the rewards are everlasting. Second, "use an attorney."
 "I want to do something that helps my kids and one day, grandkids, and leave a legacy for them."
Tracy A. Craig, partner and chair of the Trusts and Estates Practice Group at the law firm Seder & Chandler in Worcester, Massachusetts, said there are multiple ways to set up either a one-time gift or ongoing scholarship, each with its own tax laws, implications and consequences.
First, determine the amount you want to donate (or raise) — the magnitude will likely dictate how you proceed. Craig explained that unless a foundation can start with $5 million to $10 million or more, she usually directs clients to a lesser-known option: community foundations. They enable philanthropists to achieve their goals without taking on the administrative burden of running an independent nonprofit foundation.
There are more than 900 community foundations across the country; They bring together the financial resources of individuals, families and businesses to support nonprofit groups and activities in their communities. the Council on Foundations has an interactive map that will let you find one near you.
Start Early and Be Methodical
"Go to a community foundation while you're still alive," Craig advised, "and add the scholarship into your estate-planning documents." She suggested a personal meeting with a community foundation representative to document your request to establish a scholarship, name it, establish selection criteria, choose committee members and understand the administrative fees.
Benefits of working with community foundations include allowing donors and their families to decide how involved they wish to be, having the community foundation handle administrative and tax filings, and provide legitimacy to the funds. "Otherwise," Craig indicated, "people wonder, 'What's the catch?' "
"Even if the donation is a one-time grant, even $50.00 can go a long way for someone who doesn't have a lot of money. Please know that we who received it are amazingly thankful. You are changing a person's life."
Craig said foundations typically ask for a minimum of $10,000 to dedicate a self-perpetuating scholarship. The foundation then allocates 4% of the total dollar amount ($400 in this case) to be distributed annually, with the rest invested.
Alternatively, you can combine your bequest to a group that already is making grants in the field you want to support. "You don't have to reinvent the wheel," Craig said. You could offer grants with both benefactors' names on them or have foundations share administrative costs but still make separate grants in their own names. If you want to benefit a specific school or department, reach out directly for ways to help them during your lifetime or after your death.
One last option Craig mentioned is treating donations as gifts if the donor is unconcerned about the tax benefits of charitable giving. "Under the current law, a person can give up to $18,000 per recipient, and nobody (neither the giver nor receiver) has to report the money," she stated.
Ultimately, creating a legacy provides you peace of mind knowing your desires are in motion while bringing comfort to family members that a loved one's memory continues on. And it cascades benefits to those fortunate enough to receive a monetary gift.
In her young wisdom, Rosales said, "Even if the donation is a one-time grant, even $50.00 can go a long way for someone who doesn't have a lot of money. Please know that we who received it are amazingly thankful. You are changing a person's life."


How to Leave a Legacy Scholarship

Sheryl Stillman

On my 76th birthday, my family gave me the inter-generational trivia game "Mind the Gap." It was a fun way for my baby boomer husband and me to connect with our Gen X daughter and son-in-law and our 17-year-old twin "zoomer" grandsons from Generation Z.
Thanks to longevity and health care, members of seven generations are alive today, presenting us with rich opportunities for intergenerational connectivity.Lately, I've been thinking of the game's title as something more: a call to action, a reminder to pay attention and tend to the spaces that separate us before a generation "gap" becomes an unbridgeable chasm.
It could even be a friendly dare to those of us who primarily interact within our own peer group to reach out to someone younger or older with whom we don't usually connect.
Intergenerational Interaction
Thanks to longevity and health care, members of seven generations are alive today: the Greatest Generation (born between 1901 and 1924), the Silent Generation (1925 to '45), boomers (1946 to '64), Generation X (1965 to '79), Millennials (1980 to '94), Generation Z (1995 to 2012) and Generation Alpha (2013 to 2025). This unprecedented situation presents rich opportunities for intergenerational connectivity.
Much has been written about what the German-American psychoanalyst Erik Erikson called "generativity" since he coined the term in 1950 to describe the importance of "guiding the next generation." I like to think of it as paying it forward — sharing our gifts, knowledge and experience to effect positive changes that reach beyond legacy or mentorship.
When we take time to foster relationships with those younger and older than us, we often discover that we can get as much as we give.
While this may sound like a selfless act, when we take time to foster relationships with those younger and older than us, we often discover that we can get as much as we give. It's mutuality in action.
Many experts say these types of connections often result in better physical and mental health for all concerned. Interaction between different age groups can also help dispel negative generational stereotypes.
Where to Begin?
I think it starts by paying attention, being curious and opening ourselves to everyday opportunities for intergenerational connections. Here are some ideas:
Be present and caring. For example, a Gen X mom and Facebook friend posted how a teacher deeply upset her 12-year-old by belittling the student's request to be referred to as "they." I sent this mom a private message offering support and thanking her and her child for speaking out, saying those of us in older generations often need guidance in these areas.She responded immediately, opening a lovely dialogue about how best to support youth who struggle with gender identification, depression and feelings of not belonging. "Be present," she said. "The best way to make a kid feel valued is to hear them."Dust off your world-view lens. This intergenerational conversation about gender and pronouns is but one example of how we might bridge generational divides. We can ask questions, educate ourselves about cultural differences, and look for points of connection. While many of us might need guidance with pronoun sensitivity and current slang, we know how it hurts to feel left out or ignored. Think of it as traveling to a foreign country. Do your homework, study the terrain, language and culture. If you are lost, ask a zoomer for directions.Practice compassion. According to the American Psychological Association 2023 "Trends Report," today's youth are facing a mental health crisis. Even before COVID, youth depression and suicide rates began to soar, and they worsened during the pandemic. As if social isolation, academic disruption and household worries about the deadly virus and finances weren't enough, upticks in racial and political unrest, climate chaos, gun violence and online bullying added to young people's stress."COVID-19's unique conditions may have created a new kind of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), one rooted in fear of what might happen instead of what has happened," stated clinical psychologist Maria Abenes, author of a Psychiatric Times article, "Teens in America: How the COVID-19 Pandemic is Shaping the Next Generation."If a child is troubled, it follows that their parents are also stressed — so extra patience, kind words, loving gestures and a listening ear go a long way in terms of cross-generational support.When we listen attentively, we convey the message, "This is important; you are important." Web sites like youth.gov provide information and a variety of resources that can help us gain a better understanding of the problems contemporary families face so we are better able to befriend them.Get more involved in your community. Learn who your local officials and community leaders are and communicate with them. Thank them for their accomplishments and service. Share your concerns. Support your schools and local businesses. Use the library. Stay current on local issues that affect different groups within your community. Choose an issue and find ways to get involved with others who are working on it.Share your knowledge and network. The owner of our neighborhood coffee shop provides hot chocolate and cookies and a weekly gathering place where retired college professors offer free tutoring to students from second grade through college.Check your county's web site or neighborhood Web sites to find ways to share your knowledge and experience. Take an active interest in what a grandchild or younger person is studying. Share your knowledge or resources if appropriate or invited to do so.Sometimes "bridging the gap" means becoming the bridge. The longer we live, the more chances we have to be an intermediary for intergenerational connections. For example, my partner and I recently put our millennial grandniece in touch with a Gen X friend in the same profession; the Gen Xer turned out to be an excellent resource in her job search. What bridges can you build?Playfulness. We often forget the important role playfulness has in fostering healthy and more joy-filled intergenerational connections. People from five generations, ranging in age from 14 to 88, play pickle ball on our local court. I used to play online Scrabble with my 100-year-old buddy Emily. We could add a message when we took our turn, so it was a great way to check in with her.Erikson described play as "the most natural method of self-healing that childhood affords." Play can relieve stress and help us all to forge richer connections. Often, a casual conversation in a relaxed atmosphere can be the foundation for future and deeper interconnectedness.Whether it's a card game or board game like "Mind the Gap," taking a group walk, playing music or shooting pool like we used to do with my mom and now do with our kids, I encourage you to remember to lighten up, laugh and play.Whatever your path, proceed with open heart, good intentions and love, meeting those of other generations where they are on their own life journeys — those fertile places where playfulness, passion, creativity, idealism and activism reside.
I have witnessed the magic that can happen when seasoned wisdom and experience mix with youthful, out-of-the box thinking. It is a fluid place where people of all ages can dream and march together, creating change and birthing hope; a place where legacy becomes a canvas on which futures can be painted.


Mend the Gap

Cynthia Orange

After falling on the ice while walking her dog, Sandy Perry, of Madison, New Hampshire, broke her right femur. Following surgery and three months of intense physical therapy, she still couldn't walk and was afraid to leave the house. Homebound without her usual activities and interaction with friends, she became, as she says, "down in the dumps."
Fear of falling is the number one worry among older adults in the U.S., as reported by Elizabeth Walker Peterson, clinical professor in the Department of Occupational Therapy at the University of Illinois at Chicago.Falls Are No Fun
Sandy is not alone in experiencing the negative fallout from a fall. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one in four Americans over age 65 falls annually. And 20% of these falls result in moderate to severe injuries and even death. 
"Fear of falling is a product of experience."
In fact, fear of falling is the number one worry among older adults in the U.S., as reported by Elizabeth Walker Peterson, clinical professor in the Department of Occupational Therapy at the University of Illinois at Chicago. And it's not limited to someone who has already taken a tumble. 
"Fear of falling is a product of experience," says Julie Honaker, Audiology Section Head and Director of the Vestibular and Balance Disorders Program at the Cleveland Clinic. "Yours or someone else's. Word of mouth from others who have sustained a fall can also instill fear."
Risk factors for falls have been well documented: poor vision and hearing, gait and balance problems, chronic illnesses like diabetes and multiple sclerosis that can lead to muscular changes, side effects of certain medications, and unsafe conditions in the home.
But there is one thing that many people do not consider a risk factor: the fear of falling or basiphobia. In layperson's terms, basiphobia is described as "the phobic reaction to standing or walking due to concerns about falling." Thinking twice before making that icy mailbox trip is common sense. Trouble starts when the fear of falling becomes so extreme that it sets in motion behaviors that can trigger a fall.
A Vicious Cycle
Why is fear of falling so dangerous? It stops individuals - even those with no physical impairment - from continuing with behaviors they are still able to do. 
"What we know about fear of falling is that once someone is afraid of falling, they tend to do less and less, which increases their frailty."
A nervous anticipation of falling can lead to tightening the muscles or "stiffening" behavior. These attempts to control posture and movement limit your range of motion and change how you navigate your environment. 
"You don't want to be stiff because then you are less able to adjust to changes in the terrain and more likely to fall," says Kirsten Dorsey, National Program Administrator for the Matter of Balance Program on behalf of MaineHealth. "You want to be like a tree in the wind that can sway and remain upright."
"What we know about fear of falling is that once someone is afraid of falling, they tend to do less and less, which increases their frailty," adds Dorsey. "That increased frailty can often lead to bones and muscles getting weaker from not being active and so when you do need to move around, you are more likely to fall."
Fear of falling introduces a vicious cycle: lost confidence, limited activities, fewer social interactions, reduced strength and mobility and depression. And possibly ending in a fall that fear did not prevent.
Finding a Solution
Perry finally persuaded her daughter to sign up for Matter of Balance, a program that teaches strengthening exercises and fall prevention skills. Initially introduced in the 1990s by a team at Boston University's Roybal Center, it was first used in a clinical setting. But the cost proved prohibitive, and, as Dorsey says, "The program gathered dust."
Until 2006, when MaineHealth translated it to a community setting staffed by lay people. Now, the program is available throughout the United States. To find a Matter of Balance program near you, click here.
"Once you help people get over the fear of falling, so much opens up for them."
During the pandemic, the in-person program pivoted to being virtual with good results. Initial reports showed that there was no statistical difference between the outcomes of the in-person program and the virtual program, says Dorsey.
After participating in the eight Matter of Balance sessions, Perry could walk ten miles along the boardwalk on the Jersey Shore. "I hadn't been able to do that in years," she says. The program improves strength and balance and "teaches you to think about what you're doing and keep in tune with your body."
Matter of Balance is one of the country's most widely implemented evidence-based fall prevention programs, but it's not the only one. The National Council of Aging website lists other evidence-based programs, too.  
Talk It Out
So, how can you help your friend or family member who is terrified of falling? The most important thing is encouraging them to talk to someone about this obsession. But realize that family members sometimes do more harm than good by discouraging their loved one's activities. 
Although they come from a place of concern, constantly cautioning a parent or sibling can have the opposite effect. It can cause your family members to become more sedentary, more anxious and more depressed. 
"I think people are hesitant to talk about fear of falling because they're afraid they might lose some independence," says Honaker. "But having a conversation with a member of the family or a medical provider can bring the fear out into the open before it becomes a real danger."
And it's essential to deal with that danger. "Once you help people get over the fear of falling, so much opens up for them," says Dorsey.
Self-Help Fixes
Even if you are not enrolled in a fall prevention program, there are things you can do on your own. Here are six things that can help you fight the fear of falling:
Select shoes that are optimal for balance. The American Podiatric Medical Association suggests putting shoes on the 1-2-3 test.Stop avoiding activities: Start small with achievable goals to build confidence, i.e., walk through an uncrowded mall for about 15 minutes.If you have an assistive device like a cane or a walker, use it: Practice it when you do not think you will need it. Get comfortable with your club or walker to know how to use it when you trip or lose your balance.Walk at your average speed: While fast walking isn't advised, walking too slowly could lead to a fall. Standing longer on one leg, even briefly, can cause instability.Think twice before reaching out for something: Trying to grab a piece of furniture to steady yourself can throw you off balance.Consider a combination of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and an exercise program: It combines talk therapy with physical interventions.

Fight the Fear of Falling

Cathie Gandel

I will turn 50 next spring. My oldest child is in college. My youngest is applying to schools. My husband and I are spending hours talking about what shape the next stage of our lives will take. We're facing an empty nest, and midlife.
"Every day, despite the personal fulfillment I feel from writing, I open my laptop and try to legitimize to myself how I spend my time. It's a constant fight against my ego, against the voice that tells me I've wasted the chance to build a real career in writing. That until I find an agent or sell a book, I'm playing pretend at home."Unlike my husband, who approaches these discussions with a sense of adventure and opportunity, I feel the regret of lost time, of things I was too quick to quit, the panic of my window rapidly closing. I haven't succeeded at building a career, and it feels like I'm out of time.
As a child, I watched my mother struggle with defining herself professionally. She was smart, skilled, hard-working. But she had gone to college without any practical thoughts of supporting herself; when she divorced my dad, she took a job as a secretary and later, an editor. Over the years she worked in leadership positions, picked up an MBA, yet never saw herself as a success and often left jobs suddenly after short tenures.
Seeking My Calling
I didn't want to repeat her trajectory and vowed to steadily build a solid career. In my family, it was believed that the surefire path to success was through a PhD, regardless of any actual interest in academia. I started a doctoral program but didn't finish, and didn't even attend the graduation ceremony for my master's degree because of the sting of that first failure.
I worked in the nonprofit world, short stints managing projects in women's reproductive health care, education and family services. I asked for salary increases; I sought promotions — things I knew women had to do to advocate for their ascension. I became the director of a small evaluation team and fought for the support my staff needed to do their best work.
I also spent years unemployed outside the house, raising my two children.
When people ask me what I do, I say I'm a writer. But I know many of my friends and family, maybe the majority, see what I do as a hobby. Or at least, that's my fear.
With the exception of being home with my kids, and also working with my evaluation team, I never really liked my jobs, never felt like I'd found my calling. I spent years in endless, tortured self-doubt: What am I here to do? When I started writing about 10 years ago, some of that questioning quieted.
I'm proud of the writing practice I've built, starting with my first short story to publishing in literary journals, completing a novel and a story collection, and trying freelance work. When people ask me what I do, I say I'm a writer. But I know many of my friends and family, maybe the majority, see what I do as a hobby. Or at least, that's my fear.
Every day, despite the personal fulfillment I feel from writing, I open my laptop and try to legitimize to myself how I spend my time. It's a constant fight against my ego, against the voice that tells me I've wasted the chance to build a real career in writing. That until I find an agent or sell a book, I'm playing pretend at home.
And so I refresh a familiar cycle: (1) tell myself I'm not doing enough, not contributing enough to the world, not being a good enough role model of a professional woman for my children; (2) search for jobs I don't want just because I think they may quiet the self-criticism in my head; (3) recommit to my writing practice with new strategies — a stricter schedule, assignments to complete, workshops, conferences — to make it feel more like a "real job," supplemented with volunteer work and care for my family and friends.
Personal Success Isn't Enough
And go about everyday tasks that bring me pleasure and serve a purpose but still feed my self-doubt.
For example, after two hours in the kitchen turning farmers' market tomatoes into sauce, I have to tell myself I have worth. After a second round of reading through my son's college essays to help him learn how to tighten his writing, I have to tell myself I have worth. After sharing sample pitch letters with a writer friend, I have to tell myself I have worth.
Without a career — one that I have built over decades, one that pays a salary — I feel like a failure.
No matter how many small ways my actions might add up, they are not a career. And without a career — one that I have built over decades, one that pays a salary — I feel like a failure.
There are things I haven't given up on. My marriage. My children. My writing. Writing feels like my last chance for that professional stamp of approval I so desperately crave. I know I've come to it late; what if I can't catch up?
A friend recently enumerated all of the ways I am not failing: My marriage is strong and something my husband and I both prioritize; my children are amazing people with the support they need to pursue their passions; I'm valued as a friend, as a peer; I'm doing something I love, writing, and not letting the constant rejection — stories not published, agents uninterested — shut me down.
My Narrow Definition of Success
She talked about the time my husband and I spend with our extended families, our involvement in our communities, my volunteer work. And yet, I was in tears listening to her, because I can't square those joys, those privileges, those accomplishments with my narrow definition of success. I'm almost 50, and I don't have a career that matches my years of maturity.
It's hard to untangle all the reasons why I feel so devastated by this part of my life. If it were so important to me from the beginning, why didn't I follow a path that would have led me to where I say I wish I were today? Why did it matter whether my early jobs felt like a true calling? Why didn't I finish my PhD, just to finish it? Were my expectations too high?
Whose voices are in my head, repeating this failure? My mother's, recalling the disappointments she carried for her own shortchanged career? My friends', who work long hours at jobs where they are the bosses, where they are never able to turn off the demands?
I'm almost 50, and I don't have a career that matches my years of maturity.
Those boss-lady friends who have had the dynamic work lives I tell myself I should have pursued don't feel any more satisfied in their choices than I do; those successes haven't defined them, not really.
My husband has had incredible professional success. Does he judge his own self-worth as better than mine? No way. What he wants to do these days is grow a cutting garden from seed, but maybe it's easier for him to give himself permission to do this kind of thing, this hobby, because, by any calculation, he's already made significant impacts on his community through his career.
Why do professional achievements matter so much? I blame myself for my shortcomings, but I also exist in a society that devalues unpaid work. Devalues the work of women, the work of childrearing. The contributions of artists. No matter the reassurances from the people who love me, and despite my own strength and self-confidence, I can't shake the world I live in when it comes to how I judge myself.
So How Do I Make Peace?
Because I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted trying to assure myself that the way I spend my workdays is legitimate. I'm exhausted analyzing where I might have better understood myself early on to choose the right education, the right career; I'm exhausted second-guessing those years I spent at home raising my children, years I mostly loved and were good for the whole family. I'm exhausted reminding myself that I have skills, that I was successful in the traditional workplace and I'm having some success now as a writer.
I don't want to spend the second half of my life held captive by the failure of only a small part of me. But for now, that failure looms large.
What can I do about turning 50? My hope is that I can approach it with kindness. For myself.
It won't be easy.


Regrets of Things Past

Milena Nigam

Darcy was that quiet coworker who kept a low profile, but when you happened to take a coffee break with her, you discovered she was a total hoot, with the best dry wit. I adored our time together a decade or so ago, but people change jobs. The years pass. We'd fallen out of touch but reconnected via social media.
"I was equal parts outraged by these prices and embarrassed by my inability to keep up financially and have such a luxe meal."A dinner plan was set into motion, and she sent me the name of a restaurant she was dying to try – would a 7 p.m. reservation be good?
Yes, we live in New York City, but $56 for an entrée for one human being? I don't even spend that much when I go out for an anniversary dinner with my husband.
Of course, I googled the menu.
Lamb Chops with Herb-Roasted Tomatoes, $56 … and the prices headed north from there.
My mouth was watering, but I was also in a cold sweat. What was she thinking?? Yes, we live in New York City, but $56 for an entrée for one human being? I don't even spend that much when I go out for an anniversary dinner with my husband.
I was equal parts outraged by these prices and embarrassed by my inability to keep up financially and have such a luxe meal. Should I call in sick to the dinner, I wondered? Tell her I have a last-minute work deadline and can't meet? Or be honest and say the place is too pricey?
Welcome to the world of the friendship wealth gap. It may not be Rich Friend, Poor Friend exactly, but it can be dicey territory.
The Great Money Divide 
For those of us of a certain age, money can morph. Some of us are worried about our retirement savings not being as hearty as we would like and spend sparingly. In households headed by those age 60 to 65, the typical retirement nest egg rings in at $150,000, according to Employee Benefit Research Institute. While that's not an insignificant sum, it can be a troublingly small amount as you are rounding the corner into Social Security land.
Others are dealing with new, budget-confounding medical issues or find themselves under- or unemployed as the years pass.
"It can invite a lot of shame if you feel you might not be able to keep up with your friends, your social circle." 
But there are also the Have's to these Have-Nots — after all, boomers control half of all wealth in the US, an astounding $78 trillion. And some of those feel, Dammit, I worked hard, and it's now or never to enjoy the spoils. Others may have sold a business or hit the jackpot with a lush pension (yes, a few are still out there). They have a pool of money sitting, all but tapping its foot impatiently, and demanding, Spend me already!
So what happens when a person from Camp A and one from Camp B are pals? Likely, the free-spender will wonder why their friend doesn't jump at invitations to score crazy-expensive tickets to the World Series or Billy Joel's (really and truly) final tour. And the one with the shallower pockets dodges these pricey outings.
This can be a sizable gulf to bridge. "In our society, we often get the message that our self-worth equals our net worth. It can invite a lot of shame if you feel you might not be able to keep up with your friends, your social circle," says Megan Ford, PhD, who's a financial therapist and clinic director of the University of Georgia's ASPIRE counseling program.
These tough emotions, when not confronted, can erode friendships.
Greg, 63, in Hartford, Connecticut, who's been scraping by since losing his corporate job a few years ago, knows this scenario only too well. "I admit to avoidance tactics. Without an explanation, I've declined so many invitations to events and dinners that are out of my budget," he says. "People simply don't ask me to join anymore. It can be a lonely and sad feeling."
"I don't believe in disposing of friends just because they are truly clueless about your reality in your financial world."
But there are ways to lead with the truth or just hint at it, if you prefer. Val Walker, an educator and author of "400 Friends and No One to Call" and "The Art of Comforting," says that anyone carrying negative feelings about their financial status can benefit from giving themselves some grace and self-compassion. Check in with yourself and realize some of your feelings may be coming from your past experiences and beliefs about money. Untangle those from the friendship and recognize that there is likely a path forward. "I don't believe in disposing of friends just because they are truly clueless about your reality in your financial world," she says.
A wealthier pal may be oblivious to the financial guardrails you have in place and would be horrified to know that they had put you in a difficult position.
Having the Money Talk 
Once you make peace with that, what if a friend invites you to an outing you can't afford?
Knowing your financial boundaries and respecting them can give you a real sense of empowerment. When you have that clarity about your budget and spending limits, says Ford, "you can say to friends, 'Hey, I can't make it this week, but I'd love to get together next month. Let's make a plan.'" You're in control of the cadence of spending.
"Ask to talk and say, 'This conversation really matters to me because our friendship really matters to me.'"
That can be a good script if you don't want to get into details about your finances. After all, many people have spent an entire lifetime being told "Don't talk about money," and simply don't want to go there.
But you might also tackle the issue head-on, with full transparency.
Elizabeth White, author of "55, Underemployed, and Faking Normal," advocate, and founder of NuuAge Coliving, recalls when her finances took a turn south. While her wardrobe and address still communicated high earnings, her bank account did not. "It can be excruciating," says White, "but you can say something like, 'This is a really difficult time. I can't afford to go to the Four Seasons, but we could go to a restaurant downtown that I've scoped out. I love it and think you will, too."
Another tactic: "Ask to talk and say, 'This conversation really matters to me because our friendship really matters to me,'" says Walker. "'I really enjoy my time with you so much, but sometimes I feel uncomfortable about spending money. Can we find ways to make things comfortable for both of us?'" In this way, you're not guilt-tripping the other person but finding common ground and moving ahead.
Walker herself, who says she leads a modest life, has been in this challenging situation. "I have a super-wealthy friend, and when I go to her gorgeous, six-bedroom home, yes, I feel a little small. But she is very important to me, and I have had her to my humble home for tea and homemade shortbread cookies. We had a wonderful time, and I gave of myself as I could."
I jumped in with, "Can we go to my favorite ramen spot instead? I'm totally craving their tonkatsu broth; it's rated the best in town." She said yes.
That concept of sharing as you can is a powerful one. "Instead of focusing on the money aspect, as in, 'Hey, I'm broke,' you might lead with ways to spend quality time together," suggests Ford. "Ask a friend to join you at the farmers' market." You can treat them to a cold brew as you wander. You might go to a Free Friday night at a museum or whatever other outing resonates for you.
Flipping the Script 
There's also — ahem — the other side to this story: the big(ger) spenders. Let's not leave them out. Friends should be aware of the cues that a pal is perhaps not financially flush.
"The person who is financially secure should notice when a friend who would normally order a glass of Chardonnay is suddenly having mineral water; that's a clue," says White, "or if they're asking for separate checks at the start of a meal. It means they don't want to be stuck paying for a part of the other person's drinks, dessert, latte or what have you." 
Being sensitive to that, you might invite a friend out for a wonderful meal and say it's your treat from the start. "I believe there's a saying, 'Money shared is money enjoyed,'" says Walker.
Or you can find a comfortable middle ground and treat your friend with a less grand gesture. Greg, who likes to keep his financial situation private, says that he splurged on concert tickets with a friend but then made excuses about why he couldn't meet for dinner before the show. "I think my friend picked up on the subtext. He said, 'I'm going to bring snacks, and we'll tailgate before the show. He brought a couple of huge deli sandwiches and some IPAs. What a great idea: good food, good conversation … and my dignity was intact."
As for me and the $56 lamb dinner invitation — what can I say? I didn't want to price-shame someone I hadn't been in touch with for years. I jumped in with, "Can we go to my favorite ramen spot instead? I'm totally craving their tonkatsu broth; it's rated the best in town." She said yes.
We ate well and had a fab time catching up and railing against our former evil boss. Bonding without worrying about the bill? I'd call that priceless.


Good Friends and the Money Gap

Janet Siroto

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